Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am not at the Yerba Buena Center for today's Apple event. Bummer.

And so I will compensate with my wit, charm, and manic ability to synthesize dozens of other liveblogs simultaneously and report to you with my special blend of ... um ... rhymes and analysis.

And I have my two Editorial Interns - aka The PhoneDogs - on hand with me. Two monitors, two dogs, and a pot o' Joe. Let's do this thing, Apple.